they need to just BURY HIM!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
