I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
