Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
