Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
