Your mouth is God's brothel.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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