you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
