Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
