he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
