This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I miss vodka workout Fridays
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
