Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
