dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
