Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
