Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
