I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
