hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
