So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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