I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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