im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
