So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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