I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
