As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
