More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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