i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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