I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
