I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
