During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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