I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
