all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
