Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
