He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
