What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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