On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
