thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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