Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
