90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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