Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
