well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
