I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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