I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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