Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
