fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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