I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
