So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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