If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
