Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
