Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
