Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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