Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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