Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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