apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
