If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
