I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
