You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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