do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
